Just The Other Day, In The Next Galaxy Over......
[a speed boat shaped cruiser approaches the planet Bootay. Surrounding the planet is a blockade of Pneumaniac Trade Federation ships. They are blocking the peaceful planet Bootay from contraception inports and exports. The Pneumaniac ships are shaped like giant female torsos with legs spread wide. The Republic cruiser boards the ship through the vaginal opening and the two Jerk-eye ambassadors to the ass step off to negotiate the blockade with the Pneumaniacs. Presently Obiwana Blowme and Queer Gone Straight sit in a waiting room after talking to a hemorrhoid secretary. They are both very impatient.]
OBIWANA BLOWME- I'm getting antsy from waiting around so long. Where can I find a bathroom?
QUEER GONE STRAIGHT- patience my young Obiwana Blowme. You are still a virgin so you must concentrate on the Living Forearm; the present.
OBIWANA- why are we here anyways, Queer Gone?
QUEER GONE- these pneumaniacs are blockading the Bootay's contraceptive supply.
OBIWANA- Jack and Jill went up a hill, just to have some fun; but Jill forgot to take her pill and now they have a son.
QUEER GONE- I told you that joke. Anyways, being the Republic's ambassador's to the Ass, we most negotiate on behalf of the Bootay.
OBIWANA- but why the Bootay?
QUEER GONE- I'm not sure, but I feel there is something more going on here; something excedinly perverted and sinister.
[meanwhile, in the Pneumaniac control room, Ginrich and
GINRICH- mmh, oh my! Who are those two guys?
GINRICH- wait a minute, those aren't just any ambassador's to the ass, they're Jerk-eye knights!
GINRICH- I can tell by their lean, SEXY physiques. I wan't to get inside them...whoops, did I say that outloud?
[Dark PissNpot appears over hologram. His face is covered by a censor blur.]
DARK PISSnPOT- have the ambassadors to the ass arrived?
GINRICH- oh my yes! They're Jerk-eye knights.
PISSnPOT- Jerk-eye knights?! Destroy them immediately!
[hologram dissappears.]
RENO- I'm not going in there with Jerk-eye. Let's have our battle hemorrhoids to our dirty work for us.
[a hologram of captain Chanaka appears. He is seated as the queen gives him head on her knees. He looks up and realizes they're on hologram.]
CHANAKA- my lady, the hologram is on!
I'MAHUCHA- I know, captain. I wanted to give them something to see. Hello Ginrich, you flaming homosexual.
RENO- what about me?
I'MAHUCA- oh yes, Ginrich's little sidekick Reno. I suppose the ambassador's to the ass have arrived?
RENO- yes
GINRICH- no! No I'mahucha, they most certainly have not.
I'MAHUCA- then why did he say yes?
[Ginrich looks around frantically and then shuts the hologram off.]
GINRICH- shwew, I'm glad that's over. Let's watch the progress of our battle hemorrhoids.
[back in the waiting room...]
QUEER GONE- Forearm damnit! Do all ambassadors to the ass have to sit on their asses this long?
OBIWANA- I hear someone comeing, and it's not me.
[outside the waiting room, a squad of cheaply made battle hemorrhoids are about to move in on the Jerk-eye. The doors to the waiting room slide open and standing boldly are the Jerk-eye. Each whips out his Sweedish made penis-enlarger and jerk the air pumps several times. Whitish gray blades of fire pop out and within seconds the hemorrhoids are scrap metal. But then rolling destroyer hemorrhoids in the shape of giant testicles open fire on the knights. Obiwana whips out his coconut halves as Queer Gone prances on his imaginary horse. This Forearm trick allows them to escape. Hiding in the hangar of the Pneumaniac ship, the Jerk-eye see a lare insemination force.]
OBIWANA- I hear this Bootay queen is a real slut. Are you gonna work your lady's man Forearm on her?
QUEER GONE- hmm...maybe. But don't you realize what's going on here? It seems as if these Pneumaniacs are planing to impregnate the entire planet Bootay.
OBIWANA- I like the sound of that.
QUEER GONE- would you take your mind off sex for just one damn minute?! This is a serious crisis to the Bootay.
OBIWANA- the whole damn thing is about birth control, dipshit. So YOU should have YOUR mind on sex.
QUEER GONE- it's about sex, yes; but something far more perverse and sinister than we realize. It seems the pilots of our ship have been abducted. Why don't we catch a ride on one of these fine insemination transports?
OBIWANA- insemination? I'll race you there!
[the two Jerk-eye sneak on to a ship and descend upon the planet Bootay. They end up running along a strange Bongo creature as hemorrhoids on hover unicycles chase after them. The Jerk-eye take out their enlargers and make short work of the unicycles. The Bongo is thankful.]
JOE JOE STINKS- ywou swaved mwy wife!
OBIWANA- what the hell is this?
QUEER GONE- that's what I'd like to know.
JOE JOE- mwy nwame isa Jwoe Jwoe Stwinks. Iw'm a Bwongwo.
OBIWANA- a what?
JOE JOE- a Bwongwo!
OBIWANA- could you spell that out for me?
QUEER GONE- he said he's a Bungalo! Now listen Joe Joe, more hover unicycles are bound to show up. Maybe more than we can handel.
OBIWANA- they will touch you in places you don't want to be touched.
JOE JOE- pwease, pwotect mwe!
QUEER GONE- no Joe Joe, it is you that must help us.
OBIWANA- yeah, where can I find a nice place to be alone?
QUEER GONE- not now Obiwana Blowme. Joe Joe, the queen of the Bootay is in grave danger from the Pneumaniacs and there hemorrhoids.
JOE JOE- thwis is allah going way ovwah mwy hwead.
QUEER GONE- alright, this isn't that complicated. Just take us to the capital city Speed.
JOE JOE- isa wight up thwere.
[the Jerk-eye look up to see the city of Speed towering above the treetops. Meanwhile, in the queen's palace...]
I'MAHUCHA- this is an outrage! The senate will not stand for this. Give that back!
GINRICH- give me a break, Queen I'mahucha. You can live without your vibrator. Now, it's time to get down to buisness. You must sign this contract saying that all inhabitants of Bootay will become homosexuals.
I'MAHUCHA- I like to sixty nine, but I'll never give up the meat. I won't sign your contract, Ginrich, you fruit fairy.
RENO- mroww!
GINRICH- enough of this. Take the queen and her entourage to the re- pussification center. We'll soon break their straight tendencies.
[the queen, her handjob maidens and captain Chanaka are marched outside by some battle hemorrhoids. But on the way, they are ambushed by the Jerk-eye knights. The Jerk-eye make short work of the hemorrhoids.]
QUEER GONE- your highness, I am Queer Gone Straight and this is my associate Obiwana Blowe.
[Obiwana blushes in the presence of an actual woman.]
OBIWANA- hi...
I'MAHUCHA- and what is that?
JOE JOE- isa Jwoe Jwoe Stwinks. Isa wonce kwicked out've a thweatre for twaking off mwy--
QUEER GONE- that's enough out of you Joe Joe. Queen I'mahucha, we are the Republic's ambassadors to the ass. The negotiations didn't really take place, so--your highness, are you listening to a word I'm saying?
[the queen looks up from trying to insert wires into a dildo]
I'MAHUCHA- whatever. The hangar is that way.
[the whole party makes their way to the Speed hangar where they find the royal yacht ship. They take off into the atmosphere but then run into the Pneumaniac blockade. The breasts of the enemy ships are really cannons. They damage the orgasmic speed generator of the queen's yacht. Trashcan shaped Astrological hemorrhoids rush out to repair; all are destroyed but one: D6R9. The yacht rockets into orgasmic speed and they are saved. D6R9 is presented to the queen.]
I'MAHUCHA- what is his number?
CHANAKA- D6R9.
I'MAHUCHA- well done D6R9. Tell me little hemorrhoid, do you have any revolving probes? My vibrator was taken.
D6R9- beep beep 'em beep beep yeah!
[back in Speed, the Pneumaniacs face Dark PissNpot over voyuregram.]
PISSnPOT- has she signed the contract?
RENO- no.
GINRICH- it was all Reno's fault!
RENO- c'mon now, I'll admit to 40% of the blame but the other 60% belongs to you.
GINRICH- alright, let's cut it 50/50.
PISSnPOT- spare me your damn statistics. Why has she not signed the contract?
GINRICH- I don't know how to put this but...
RENO- she escaped.[long pause from Dark PissNpot but then he giggles.]
PISSnPOT- all is not lost. Behold my apprentice, Dark Malt! [a second Lisp Lord appears: Dark Malt. His face is painted like someone from Kiss or ICP.] He will find that many times popped tart queen, and destroy those Jerk-eye.
DARK MALT- mwahahahaha!
PISSnPOT- Mwahahahahahahah![the voyuregram disappears.]
RENO- I knew we should never have gotten involved with these Lisp Lords.
GINRICH- boy, I need a drink.
[back on the queen's ship...]
I'MAHUCHA- we must stop this ship immediately! I and all my handjob maidens are out of tampons!
[Jerk-eye enter].
OBIWANA- did someone say tampons?
I'MAHUCHA- we're clean out of them? What planet is that down there? Surely they have a lady's hygene store somewhere.
CHANAKA- Tatto-onspleen. It's filled with dangerous rednecks of the worst kind imaginable.
I'MAHUCHA- we will stop there.
QUEER GONE- your anus--I mean highness...
I'MAHUCHA- I prefer anus.
QUEER GONE- your anus, we must reach Whoreuspanties and appeal to the senate ASAP.
I'MAHUCA- I want my tampons, now!
CHANAKA- you can't argue with her when she gets like this. Better do what she says.
I'MAHUCHA- yes, I always get my way.
[the ship lands on Tatto-onspleen and Queer Gone, Joe Joe, and D6R9 get off to go into a town. On their way out, Chanaka and a hand job maiden approach.]
CHANAKA- wait! The queen wishes this trusted hand job maiden of hers to accompany you into the redneck villiage. Her name is Spankme.
QUEER GONE- redneck towns like this can be exceedingly dangerous to a young woman like you. Some young lad entering puberty is likely to grab you and try to make you squeal like a piggy.
SPANKME- I'm game.
CHANAKA- I knew we could trust you, Spankme[winks]. I'm sure you'd do whatever the queen would do[winks]. Why, if the queen was here right now, I'm sure she'd be proud to be you[wink].
QUEER GONE- ah, but the queen is not here. So it best we get a move on.
CHANAKA- heh heh, what an idiot. Good luck![runs back to ship]
SPANKME- I've got a feeling you'll be glad I came.
JOE JOE- Iw'd willy like twah see you cwum.
SPANKME- what did he say?
QUEER GONE- uh, nothing. Come, there is no sense in dilly dallying on the outskirts of town.
D6R9- beep beep 'em beep beep yeah!
[the party of four goes into the town. It is filled with rednecks and farm animals living in squalor. The come to a shop called "Smutco's Supplies. Once inside, they are greeted by Smutco.]
SMUTCO- howdy. What can I do for y'all?
QUEER GONE- we would like to buy some tampons.
SMUTCO- you've come to the right place. We've got more tampons then you could ever rip off a pussy, ye hah! A'kin you worthless bastard, get in here![A'kin SacStalker enters].
A'KIN SacSTALKER- whut Smutco? I'sa just sitting down to me grits.
SMUTCO- that's enough out of you, you damn trailor trash. Entertain these people while I do buisness with this fine gentle man.
[Queer Gone and Smutco leave. A'kin notices Spankme.]
A'KIN- good golly miss molly! Drop down on your knees and give me some head pretty lady.
SPANKME- I'd love to little boy, but I forgot to brush my teeth after breakfast. You'd have to deal with bad breath.
A'KIN- that's how we likes it 'round these parts.
SPANKME- my, you certainly are a pervert for some one your age. But I like it.
A'KIN- maybe it's 'cause my moma is a hooker.
SPANKME- then I bet you don't know who your father is.
A'KIN- I know alright, I don't have one. I was conceived by a turkey baster. Some say it was the Forearm's doing.
[Joe Joe, while looking through the shop, accidently activates a vibrator. Spankme is overjoyed. Queer Gone and Smutco re-enter.]
QUEER GONE- alright, we've got the tampons.
SPANKME- how much money do we have left over?
QUEER GONE- hmm...none.
SPANKME- put the tampons back. I must have this vibrator.
QUEER GONE- but the queen wanted tampons.
SPANKME- I know what the queen wants and what the queen would never let inside her--what I mean is, the vibrator takes priority.
A'KIN- you'se a gonna have a mess without ya tampons.
SPANKME- I can always substitute with duck tape.
SMUTCO- okay, how will you be paying for this?
QUEER GONE- uh, Republic credits.
SMUTCO- what?! I don't except that shit. Until you can find some moonshine or some cigars to barter with, no vibrator!
[moments later they are out of the shop, heading back to the ship, very disappointed. They are almost out of town when they notice the daily twister approaching.]
A'KIN- I've been eyeballing your asses for a quarter mile now and I just noticed y'all was in danger. That tornado looks like it can hump the eye of a hurricane. C'mon over to my place, it'll make ya feel alright.
QUEER GONE- this is very admirable of you--I'm sorry, what's your name?
A'KIN- A'kin SacStalker.
SPANKME- what sort of house is it?
A'KIN- whore house, cat house, what ever y'all prefer.
JOE JOE- oh bwoy! Mwesa gwonna get lwaid!
D6R9- beep beep 'em beep beep yeah!
[as the storm intensifies, the part goes to A'kin's house of ill repute. They are greeted by his mother, Shmo.]
SHMO SacSTALKER- oh my, A'kin, you've brought back quite a few customers.
QUEER GONE- hello, I am Queer Gone Straight. My friends and I were unable to return to our ship, so we'll need food to eat, beds to sleep in and whores to share them with.
SHMO- you've come to the right place. I'm Shmo. C'mon in.
[inside, they all sit at a table.]
A'KIN- I'm the best chicken player in the town! Well, second best, I guess. I can't seem to beat that Scrub named Dog Dildo.
QUEER GONE- I've heard of redneck tractor chicken competitions before; very dangeous.
SHMO- whenever A'kin does those things, my heart starts beating so fast--I don't know what gets into me, I get so excited! A'kin dear, go get my inhaler!
[A'kin get's the inhaler and Shmo calms herself. Meanwhile, Joe Joe is using fruit from the table to masturbate. Queer Gone catches a cumshot in mid air.]
QUEER GONE- please stop doing that.
JOE JOE- mwesa sowwy.
SHMO- alright, I'm okay now. So tell me, what brings a couple of galactic fruits--I mean--feirce brutes to redneckville?
SPANKME- we ran out of tampons on our ship. We had to stop. But Smutco wouldn't accept republic credits.
QUEER GONE- and there was a controversy over vibrators...
A'KIN- did you say you'se from outer space?!
QUEER GONE- yes, I am a Jerk-eye night.
A'KIN- holy buck fudder! I'd love to go with y'all if, if...
SPANKME- if what?
A'KIN- if I was--was--i--if i was--wasn't a--a--in--in--dent--
SHMO- I'm sorry, A'kin has a stuttering problem every now and then. What he's trying to say is that he is a indentured servant.
SPANKME- I thought that policy was abolished from galaxy.
QUEER GONE- hey, I've got an idea. Is Smutco a gambling man?
A'KIN- you bet. He loves to bet on my chicken duels.
QUEER GONE- then you can play chicken with Dog Dildo; if you win, we can release you and get the tampons we need.
SPANKME- what about the vibrator?!
QUEER GONE- shh! Now, will Smutco agree to this?
SMUTCO- sure.
SHMO- no vacancy tonight in this whore house, Mr. Smutco.
SMUTCO- but what do I get if Dog Dildo wins?
QUEER GONE- good question, uhh...
SHMO- you can have something you've always wanted[she offers herself seductively].
SMUTCO- alright, count me in. Dog Dildo never loses!
A'KIN- you tell Dog Dildo I'll be playing him tommorow, high noon.
SMUTCO- shut up you little prick. I'll enjoy your moma. Hahahahaha!
[Smutco leaves, very confident.]
QUEER GONE- I hope this works out. May the Forearm be with you, A'kin.
[outside of town, a sleek, black speed boat touches down. Out steps Dark Malt. He knows that the queen and the Jerk-eye are near. From out of his ship he sends several anal probes, designed to spy in dark, moist places.]
DARK MALT- mwahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahaha!
[the next morning, A'kin secures the final adjustmenst on his tractor. Dog Dildo arrives with his fancier tractor.]
DOG DILDO- hello, A'kin. Ready for a jolly good romp of chicken?
A'KIN- can it you pussy willow. This time, your ass is grass!
DOG DILDO- right o'. Let's have a good competition today, and may honorable sportsmanship be exuberated. Afterwards, everyone is invited to a sumptuous affair at my estate.
[Abba the Slut comes forward to officiate the races. He chews some tobaccy and spits it on a gong. The chicken competition begins. The object is to drive the tractors straight across a 100 yard field towards a deep ditch. Who ever jumps off first is "chicken." The tractors near the ditch. Dog Dildo is confident A'kin will go chicken first. But wait, A'kin's shoe laces are caught in the tractor; he can't get off. Dog Dildo gives up as A'kin goes into the ditch, tractor and all. He wins. Later on, Queer Gone faces Smutco.]
QUEER GONE- the day is ours. You must give us the boy and the tampons.
SMUTCO- alright, alright, take the little bastard. He only had two weeks left of his indentured servant term left anyways. And here's the tampons.
SPANKME- what about the vibrator?!
SMUTCO- that wasn't in the contract.
QUEER GONE- never mind. Let's just go pick up A'kin and be off.
SPANKME- mark my words; maybe not today, maybe not tommorow, but someday soon, I will have a vibrator!
[back at A'kin's house, D6R9 meets A'kin's homemade hemorrhoid, Cthrumyhole.]
D6R9- beep beep 'em beep beep yeah!
CTHRUMYHOLE- ohhh myyyy! I am Cthrumyhole. Who are you?
D6R9- beep beep 'em beep beep yeah!
CTHRUMYHOLE- glad to meet you, D6R9. I am designed to explain why men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
D6R9- beep beep 'em beep beep yeah!
CTHRUMYHOLE- no, not Uranus. Oh, hello master A'kin.
A'KIN- well, Cthrumyhole, I'm leaving. I'll make sure moma doesn't sell you to the street surgeons.
CTRHUMYHOLE- street surgeons?!
[A'kin and D6 leave with Queer Gone. A'kin suddenly realizes something.]
A'KIN- why isn't moma coming with us?
QUEER GONE- that wasn't part of the bet. And I bet Smutco is pretty pissed at not getting her. C'mon, A'kin, don't look back.
A'KIN- yeah, whatever. Soon I'm gonna be a Jerk-eye!
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