The Church Police II: Missionary Position

"What have you done to me?!" I screamed out from my hospital bed. I had just looked into a mirror on the ceiling and saw that I had a line of stitches going across my temple.

"Relax heathen," said a priest-doctor standing over the bed. He held a clip board in his hands and seemed to be taking notes on my status. "Those stitches were just how we injected a high dosage of Prozac directly into your brain. It seems odd that you are still conscious."

"Its gonna take more Prozac than that!" I shouted as I ripped my arms and legs free from the bed straps.

"Hey! You sit down! Securi...ouf!" said the priest as I kneed him in the stomach. I ran into the hall way, grabbed a water fountain and uprooted it from the floor. I carried it back into the room and hurled the fountain at the window. The water fountain bounced off the window and shattered onto the floor.

"Lousy cheap water fountain," I grumbled as I ran back out into the hall way.

"There he goes!" called out the priest-doctor as several security guards took up the chase. I darted around a corner, panicked for a moment, but then noticed hospital cart. I lifted up the covering cloth and got down inside it. Just as I finished concealing myself, the group of guards rushed by. I waited a couple of minutes until the coast seemed clear. When I was about to get off the cart, some one started pushing it. I then realized there was a strong odor surrounding me.

"Alright Dr. Mendelez," said the person pushing the cart. "I'm going to dump this load of used needles, vomit bags, urine cups, and rectal samples into the dumpster."

"Get me out of here!" I screamed as I leapt out of the cart.

"Who the hell are you?" asked the cart pusher. I quickly wiped the body wastes off my clothes and ran towards the exit of the hospital.

Once I finally got out side, I nearly fainted at what I saw had become of Leonardtown. On top of the hospital roof were huge neon letters that read "PAPAL HOSPITAL." There were buill boards all along the high way and posters on buildings that had a picture of Mrs. Powell, the Pope, and Jesus all standing in front of an American flag. But Mrs. Powell had changed the stars on the flag into one white cross.

"First mandatory church, now a complete connection between church and state," I said to myself angrily. But before I could ponder on this any more, the whole group of security guards appeared from around the side of the building.

"There he is!" shouted their leader. The whole lot of them charged after me but they were no match for my distance endurance. After a half mile the guards collapsed huffing and puffing. I kept running until I got to the new electronic train station. An electric train was already starting to take off when I jumped onto it's caboose like a train hopping hobo.

Once the train got going, I had to hang on for dear life. It traveled at speeds upwards of 200mph. After what seemed like forever, the train slowed down and finally came to a complete stop at another train station. I threw my body onto the ground and kissed the dirt in thanksgiving.

"Get off the fucking tracks!" screamed an angry voice from somewhere close by. I then realized that my legs were lying right across the electric train tracks and another train was approaching.

"Sorry!" I apologized as I got up and ran away from the train station.

The train had taken me to a far off small town called Lancashire. It was a traditional small town, with a town square, a large church, a school, and every thing else you would expect to find in a normal town. I found it hard to belive that I was in the year 2012. This town had barely changed since the early 1960s.

Unfortunately though, the dreaded lord Powell had already made her mark here like a dog on a fire hydrant. Every building had one of those Powell-Pope-Jesus propaganda posters. Those notorious Church Police roamed the streets harassing people. If a man or woman dressed the least bit provocatively, took the lord's name in vain, or said anything against Mrs. Powell, they would receive a fine or worse penalty.

Another strange thing about the town was that almost every woman I saw seemed to be either pregnant or have a baby with her. Small children were running rampant every where.

After a good deal of aimless wandering, I came to the town barber shop. It had one of those candy cane like poles out in front.

"What can I do for yah sonny?" said an old barber man as I entered the shop.

"Just give me a trim," I replied. The old barber seated me at a chair and began clipping away a my mop top.

"So," began the barber. "I reckon I ain't never seen you in these parts before. What brings you to Lancashire?"

"Just uh...visiting," I replied dumbly. "Say, I noticed that almost every woman in this town seems to be pregnant. What gives?"

"Where've you been lately?" laughed the barber. "Haven't you heard about the lord Powell's new birth control ban?"

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed. "She's nuts!" Just then an alarm on the ceiling went off. Within a few seconds two Church Police barged into the barber shop wearing their storm trooper like suits. Both carried heavy laser blasters.

"Halt!" called out one of them in a robotic voice. "You have taken the Lord's name in vain and insulted the lord Powell. You must pay a $500 fine and report to reconciliation immediately after wards."

"No way!" I protested. "I won't pay for that and the hell I'm going to confession."

"Then you leave us no choice but to arrest you," said one of them as he reached for his electric handcuffs. With a sudden idea, I grabbed two aerosol cans off the barber shelf and sprayed their helmets mouths. Smoke and sparks fluttered amist mechanical screams. Next I yanked a laser blaster away from one of them and opened fire on the Church Police. After a few shots they were blown to pieces. Inspecting their remains, I realized that the Church Police were only a form of Android robots.

The old barber peered nervously over the cash register from where he had been hiding. A few of the laser blasts had missed their target and blown holes in the barber shop's walls. "Please don't shoot me!" pleaded the barber as I ran out of the shop. Crowds of people had gathered outside at the sound of all the commotion.

"Who is that guy?" asked someone.

"He has a laser blaster!" remarked someone else.

"Ohhh myyyy," sighed yet another person.

I kept running until I got to a phone booth. "I know who I need to call!" I exclaimed to myself. I stepped inside the booth and inserted four quarters(which is what calls cost in 2012)into the phone. I was going to call Carroll Condoms. Bill had moved to Canada after high school and started a successful condom business. From French Tinkelers to full bodied condoms, Carroll Condoms had it all.

"Carroll Condoms, how may I help you?" said the phone receptionist in a freindly voice.

"Hi my name is David Raley," I said. "I'd like to order one thousand large boxes of condoms. Just charge it to my account." This endeavor would ruin me financially, but sacrifices had to be made.

"Okay Mr. Raley," continued the receptionist. "Where would you like these condoms delivered?"

"Uh," I said. "Lancashire, Kentucky, in the alley in between Snidley's Barbershop and Food Lion.

"You should receive the shipment within five days. Thank you, have a nice day."

"You too," I said as I hung up the phone. Church Police were already hunting me down for the barber shop incident. I exited the phone booth and stole away to the deep woods that bordered the town. For the next four days, I camped out in the woods, hunting and gathering my food.

When the fifth day rolled around, I snuck back into town and waited in the dark alley in between the barber shop and Food Lion where the plan had been arranged. Soon a large truck pulled into the alley and came to a halt. Written on it's side was "Carroll Condoms, Celebrating Ten Years of Safe Sex." The passenger side door flung open out hoped Bill.

"Hey DR," said Bill. "Long time no see. Hows life been treating you?"

"Not very well," I replied. "I'm a garbage man."

"Well you must be doing pretty good if you need a thousand boxes condoms," said Bill.

"There not for me," I said. "There for the towns people who are in danger of over populating themselves."

"Say," said Bill. "What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and write good year on it!"

Bill, the truck driver, and I then proceeded to unload the thousand boxes of condoms from the truck. Afterwards we reloaded them back up into a few grocery carts I had stolen from Food Lion. Once the work was complete, we reminisced for awhile and downed a few beers. Bill and the driver then got back in the truck and drove off towards Canada.

I pushed the grocery carts back to my hide out one at a time. There were four carts to push, each over flowing with condom boxes. When the task was finally complete, I awaited night fall.

After it was dark, I snuck back into town to find that the streets were deserted. I later discovered that Mrs. Powell had ordered an eight o'clock curfew for anyone under 65. I crept up to the window of an average looking house and peered inside. I saw a man, a pregnant woman, and a whole swarm of little kids. The man and woman seemed very stressed out.

"Just what I was looking for," I chuckled to myself as I walked over to the front door and rang the door bell.

"It must be those damn Church Police again," I heard the man say from inside. He swung the door open angrily but then seemed relieved that I wasn't a Church Policeman. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Hi," I said cooly. "I'm a missionary from the Church of Bajahi. Would you like this free box of high quality Carroll Condoms? Your wife will love it."

"These things are so hard to find nowadays," said the man with glee. "How can I repay you?"

"Well, some food would be nice," I said. The man took me inside and showed the box of condoms to his wife. She seemed to be very excited. The family then let me share their dinner with them.

"I best be going now," I said, finishing my dinner.

"I'm sorry, we didn't get your name," said the man's wife.

"Just call me the Missionary of Love," I said as I exited through their kitchen window.

Slithering along silently, I soon reached another house. I crept up to this one's window and peered inside. It was the same situation as the last house except the people in this family were all kneeling and praying the Rosary together.

"Forget this house!" I groaned to myself as I left to find another, less pious family.

For the next two years, I continued my birth control missionary work. A few times every week I would deliver condoms to all the good towns people. In return they would give me food and medical supplies. On Christmas and other holidays I would give people French Tinkelers and full bodied condoms. I soon became renowned as a hero. After two years of this work, the town's birth rate was down by 80%!

All went well until one Sunday when I happened to be walking by the town Catholic church during the mandatory service. Me snuck up to one of the open windows to eavesdrop. The pompous priest was up at the pulpit giving his homily.

"I'm very disappointed at you people," said the priest. "Don't think I don't know what's going on. Recent statistics show that our town's birth rate is down nearly 80%. Contraceptives are not only sinful and immoral, but illegal. Our heavenly boy's quire will now sing a song to explain the wrongness of birth control."

The boy's quire then sang a song that went something like this:

"Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed,

In your neighborhood"

I couldn't do anything to hold back the uproarious laughter that came over me after hearing that song. "Who is laughing?!" called out the priest in rage. A squad of Church Police rushed outside as I took off running like always. But before I could get more than a few yards away, I was shot with a mild stun ray that worked like a tranquilizer. The Church Police lifted me off the ground and dragged me into church.

"He's the man that shot those two Church Policemen!" called out the old barber from his pew.

"He stole a few of my grocery carts!" yelled the manager of the local Food Lion.

"And he's the one that's been dealing out dirty condoms!" said one of the devout Catholic women who had refused birth control.

"Those are quite a few charges on top of you head," said the priest sternly. "What do you have to say for your self?"

"Would you like some condoms father?" I jested.

"That's it! Take him away," said the priest. The Church Police began transporting me out of the church when suddenly a man smashed in through one of the stain glass windows. It was Brian Douglas! All he wore was a neon yellow bathrobe.

"Ohhh myyyy," moaned Brian as he let his robe fall to the floor.

Women in the congregation let out gasps as they covered their children's eyes. The Church Police forgot about me for the moment and went after Brian as he molested a statue of Jesus. I grabbed a crucifix off the wall, ran up behind one of the Church Police and smashed it over his head. I then took his laser blaster, set it to kill, and blew apart all the Church Police that surrounded Brian.

"Thanks DR!" said Brian as he continued his horny sacrilegious rampage.

"No sweat," I replied as I picked off another Church Policeman.

Many men in the church seemed to be suddenly filled with rebellion. They got up from the pews, tackled the Church Police, took their laser blasters, and helped me do battle.

The few religious people in the room fled the church in terror. Many others followed the example of Brian and defiled every thing holy they could get their hands(or mouths)on. Some unfortunate people were caught in the laser cross fire and killed. The priest tried to escape out the back door, but blocadeing his way was a small hoard of young children.

"You tried to over populate us, grrr..." said a young boy.

"Wait children," panicked the priest as the children surrounded him. "I was just doing lord Powell's will."

"Kill him!" screamed a little girl as the children lunged at the priest. They dragged him over to the baptisimal fountain, dunked his head in it, and drowned him.

Once all the Church Police had been defeated, I fired a couple laser blasts into the air until I had every ones attention. "People!" I shouted. "Who wants to help me overthrow the lord Powell in Washington?" everyone let out enthusiastic cheers. "Then lets us march onto D.C., collecting people at every town until we have an unstoppable army!" more cheers.

People gathered laser blasters from the destroyed Church Police and charged out of the church. After everyone was out, we set fire to the church building and began our conquest of freedom.

TO BE CONTINUED