It was a warm sunny Spring day. But I couldn't enjoy it because I was in solitary confinement at the state prison. No windows, no human contact, no stimulation of any kind. I sat there depressed in my cell when suddenly the heavy door to it flung open. It was the cruel warden and a guard.
"Listen up you little Brian slayer," the warden began. "Your case went to a higher, straighter court and they decided you should be released. The only catch is that you've gotta do some kinda community service for your school. Now get the hell outa here."
I walked out of that jail a free man. Umah and the other inmates cried like little girls as I proudly strutted away. After hitch hiking a few rides, I was soon back down in
"Look!" someone shouted as I arrived at school. "Its the guy who got arrested!"
"Yeah, that's me," I replied. "They took it to a higher court and they decided..."
"And his hair cut makes him look like one of the Beatles!" screamed a group of girls with glee. Somebody sitting in the hallway was listening to oldies on a radio. The song A Hard Day's Night came on and he turned the volume up to max. This seemed to further prompt the girls and they chased after me like maniacs. The guy with the radio followed them with the song still on max.
I ran out of Paschal with about 30 screaming girls and the guy with the radio all pursuing me. I hadn't ever been able to run in jail so I was completely out of shape. The song ended as I collapsed on the ground hyperventilating. The girls seemed to suddenly loose interest in me and walked away.
Once I was able to breath normally again, I stood up and brushed the dirt off my clothes. Remembering the community service agreement, I walked down to Xavier. I entered Ms. Kane's room and knocked on her open door. She was seated at her desk.
"Yes?" said Ms. Kane without looking up from her paper work.
"Hi Ms. Kane," I said nervously. "I was just released from prison on the terms that I would do some community service for the school and I was wondering if you could..."
"I suppose you want me to give you some community service?" said Ms. Kane in an excited monotony.
"Well you could start out by going on the sophomore retreat as a junior leader. We are short of one person because that dim wit Phil got his tongue stuck to a flag pole early this morning. Now leave me and go wait out in front of the building. The bus leaves in a half hour. Perhaps now the good lord will save you from eternal damnation, to which you are surely destined."
"Whatever you masculine old hag," I muttered to myself as I walked out of the room.
"What was that?!" called Ms. Kane angrily.
"Nothing," I replied as I hurried away.
Soon it was time to board the bus. The other male junior retreat leaders were Alden and Shaun. The large sophomore group included O.J., Joey Wayhall, Jared, Roarke, and many other fruity people from the class of 2002. The bus driver started the engine and we embarked on the retreat.
"How was life in the can?" asked Alden who was seated in front of me. "Did any large black men try to rape you?"
"Yeah, a couple times," I replied.
"Hey DR," called Shaun who was sitting behind me. "I brought a book on how to make gamma rays. That's what the army uses to blow up tanks!" The bus ride continued like this. Every now and then I couldn't help but notice some noises coming from below the bus. It was as if a couple people were hanging on to the bottom.
After a 45 minute drive we reached Loyola Retreat House. All the gay sophmores rushed off the bus like they were really excited about going on retreat. Once I disembarked I got down on the ground and looked under the bus. All I saw was a white residue dripping from the bottom.
"What are you looking at DR?" asked Alden.
"Oh, nothing," I replied casually.
"Can I look too?" asked Shaun.
"Sure, but it will cost you," I said.
"Let me go get my wallet!" shouted Shaun with glee.
"What an idiot," laughed Alden.
Everybody walked inside and went down stairs to the discussion room. We did some retarded ice breakers and then assigned rooms.
"Alright David," began Ms. Kane. "Because the boy's hall is completely full, your room will be separated from the others on the far, deserted side of the building. You won't be to scared will you?"
The whole room burst out in laughter. "Who me?" I replied. "I ain't afraid of nothing!"
"You will be," said Shaun in a cryptic Yoda voice. "You will be."
Next small groups were selected. Alden and I were the leaders for our group that consisted of O.J., Joey Wayhall, and some other gay sophomores. We walked upstairs to the living room, sat down, and started the first discussion.
"Okay every body," I said as I began the discussion. "The first theme we're going to talk about is impotence. People need to realize that they can't drive away from there problems. They need to face them. What do all of you think?"
"I'm never impotent with Joey, ohhh myyyy," said O.J. who was sitting in Joey Wayhall's lap.
"Come on now!" I protested. "We don't need any public display of gay affection."
"Down't awsk, down't tewl," giggled Joey Wayhall.
"Ask, pursue and harass," retorted Alden.
"That's enough discussion for now," I said. Lets go into the kitchen for some cookies." The sophomores jumped up and ran into the kitchen. We were all dismayed to see that the cookie jars were empty.
"Who could have done this?!" I shouted. We traced a trail of crumbs into a closet and found Shaun clutching his stomach in pain.
"Shaun you bastard!" I said. "Why did you eat all the cookies?"
"I'm the cookie monster, he he," said Shaun.
The day went on like this. Alden and I would try to start a serious group discussion but the queer sophomores would just keep fooling around with each other. Shaun kept eating all the cookies before anyone else could.
Every now and then I would see a strange green or pink light coming from some dark corner, only for it to disappear when I tried inspecting it. Sometimes I would be outside during free time and get the feeling that some one was watching me through one of the windows. When I turned around to look, I would only see a curtain rustle behind a window.
Soon 11:00 rolled around and it was time for bed. It took Alden and I a long time to get all the sophomores rounded up to their proper rooms. We found O.J. and Joey Wayhall in the same room twice. Once everyone was in his correct bed room, I said good night to Alden and Shaun and headed towards my room. It was all the way on the other side of the building from the other rooms. There were about seven empty rooms on either side of mine. The other side of the hall was completely deserted. I closed my door shut behind me, hoped into my bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, and shivered in the dark.
Later that night I awoke to go to bathroom. When I was about to get up, I noticed a strange green light shinning under my door from the hall way. It was like the light I had seen a couple times earlier that day. From outside the door someone moaned in a high nasal voice, "oh boy."
"That must be O.J. up to something queer," I said to my self. I flung the door open expecting to see O.J.. I fell down in shock at what I saw: it was a person that looked just like the Neon Yellow Creature except younger. He wore a jacket that emitted a coldly bright luminescent green light, like one of those luminescent wands you get at the fair.
"Who the hell are you?!" I said, still in shock.
"I am the Luminescent Green Creature, oh boy," it said. "I am the younger brother of Brian. I have been tracking you down for a long time now, oh boy." The creature moved closer as I backed up towards the window. But before I could reach it, a second creature smashed in through the flimsy window. This one looked just like the first creature except he wore a jacket that let out a flickering fluorescent pink light.
"I am the Fluorescent Pink Creature, oh yeah," it said. "My brother and I have cum to avenge the death and pussification into queerness of our older brother Brian, oh yeah."
"What are you going to do to me?" I asked, thinking up a plan.
"We're going to rape you! Oh boy," said the first creature.
"Wait a minute," I pleaded. "How about instead of you rapping me, you two bend over and I'll do you."
"Hmm, that sounds like a good idea, oh boy."
"I always like experimenting, oh yeah," said the Fluorescent Pink Creature as the two turned around and bent over.
"Suckers!" I shouted as I darted out of the room.
"Oh boy, there will be some sucking too...hey! Get back here!" I was already well on my way down the hall when the creatures realized that I had evaded them. I tried to go into the hall way section where every one else was but someone had locked the dividing door. I panicked for a moment until I saw the door to the organ loft. I crept inside it just as the two creatures entered the hallway.
"Cum out, cum out, where ever you are, oh boy," said the Luminescent Green Creature from outside. I then heard the two creatures give up searching the hall way and walk down the flight of stairs.
"Shwew," I said to myself in relief. Looking around me, I noticed the large organ. At first I was able to hold myself back, but after a few minutes of waiting I couldn't resist. Not knowing how high the volume was, I struck a simple chord. It reverberated through out the vast chapel. "Doe!" I said angrily. I had already given myself up.
"There you are, oh yeah," said the Fluorescent Pink Creature as the two rushed into the chapel and looked up at me.
"You wait right there. We'll be up there in a minute, oh boy," said the Luminescent Green Creature. I was about to flee when a sudden aggressiveness came over me.
"That's it!" I yelled in rage. "I'm tired of always running away from fags like you. Your brother Brian was a panzi and so are you!" I let out an animal like battle cry as I leapt off the organ loft balcony. The two creatures were taken completely by surprise. The luminescent one broke my fall as the fluorescent one dove at me.
"Oof!" said the Fluorescent Pink Creature as I kneed him in the stomach.
"Argh!" said the Luminescent Green Creature after being socked in the jaw. The two fruits were both incredibly bad fighters. All they could do was slap and scratch. I had become very good at defending myself against rape during my stay at prison, but these two were pathetic. After a few minutes of brawling, I grabbed both of them by the hair and slammed their heads together. The two creatures fell to the ground unconscious.
"What on earth is going on in here?!" called Ms. Kane as she rushed into the chapel followed by all the retreaties.
"Its a long story," I said, whipping some sweat off my forehead.
"Hey everybody!" shouted O.J. with glee. "I see two Brian look- a-likes."
"May Bwian bwe pwaised," said Joey Wayhall as Shaun and all the gay sophomores gather around the two creatures.
"What happened DR?" asked Alden.
"Lets just say DR decided to regulate," I chuckled.
* * *
Within a half hour the police and an ambulance arrived. "Oh boy," said the Luminescent Green Creature as paramedics lifted him onto a stretcher.
"Oh yeah," said the Fluorescent Pink Creature after being splashed on the face with cold water. The two creatures were placed in the ambulance and taken to a hospital.
"David Raley," said an officer in a stentorian voice. "You are being charged with first degree batterie. You're going back to jail where you belong!" The cop hand cuffed me and marched me outside past every one.
"Gwood bwy Dwe Awr!" said Joey Wayhall.
"I'll always remember what you said about impotence," said O.J.
"Keep up the late night mulching," said Alden.
"I want cookies!" said Shaun.
"Farewell my friends," I called out to all of them as I walked by Ms. Kane.
"You heathen bastard!" spewed Ms. Kane. "Now you will surely suffer the fires of eternal hell, where demons with sharp, nasty teeth will rake you flesh for all eternity!"
"I love you too," I said sarcastically. The cops shoved me into the police car as we drove off towards prison.
THE
END
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