The Church Police V: The Demise of Lord Powell

"Why do you have to be so heavy?!" I groaned as I strained to heave Alden's limp body up onto my shoulders. I held him for a split second and then collasped with him on top of me just as another stun ray wizzed over us. "I guess we'll have to do this the painful way," I said as I grabbed Alden by his ankles and dragged him out of the basilica.

The Special Church Police were about to overtake us when I pulled Alden through the doorway and slamed the doors shut. Right next to the door was a small wooden flagpole. I took it and stuck it through the two pull handles of the double doors. The Church Police banged angrily on the door from inside.

Next I dragged Alden down the terraces of steps. His head plopped down heavily on each step. By the time we reached the bottom step, his head was leaking blood.

"I hope you can forgive me for this," I said as Alden let out groans of pain. "Where the hell is Jon? He was supposed to be waiting for us."

I looked back up at the door to the basilica. From insie, some one yelled "stand back!" Several laser blasts from within the basilica blew the door open and a hoarde of Church Police charged out. I quickly searched Alden's pockets until I found another stink grenade.

"Take this you robotic religous fanatics!" I said as I threw the grenade up at them. It let out a thick cloud of stinky green gas that caused the Church Police to lose their balance and depth perception.

Off in the distance, proably about two blocks away, the moan of a tractor becam audible. Within a couple minutes, Jon appeared from around the side of the basilica driving a large farm tractor.

"Hey DR!" said Jon. "Hop on the back of this here tractor and we'll get outa here. Whats wrong with Alden there?"

"He's alright," I said. "Come on and help me lift him up."

Jon hoped off the tractor and together we heaved Alden up onto the back. Once everyone was secure on the tractor, we sped away at a little less than ten mph.

"Can't we go any faster?!" I shouted to Jon over the loud hum of the tractor. Several Church Police were chasing after us on foot. "I thought you had a truck."

"My truck broke down so I had to go back to camp and get me this here tractor," said Jon. "Don't you worry non about speed, he he. We're still in turtle gear. Just you wait until I haul it up to rabbit gear, ye ha!" Jon grabbed the clutch and pushed it up to the highest gear. I was jerked backwards as the tractor sped up to about 40 mph.

If the Church Police had been more organized, they would have followed us in their police cars. But they were still slightly under the influence of stink gas so the idea never crossed their robotic memories.

Jon turned off the road and took a short cut across the Mall. There were many prayer rallies and Bible readings going on and we distracted all of them with our loud tractor. Jon wanted to stop and expose himself in front of every one, but I told him we didn't have time for such things.

Soon we reached the old abandoned abortion clinic. Alden, who had now regained his conciousnes, was taken inside to be examined by the doctors Aaron and Suketu. Once the tractor was put away, I decided to inspect the rebel army's progress.

Behind the clinic was a large grassy square surrounded by abandoned apartment buildings. It was a very secluded place, perfect for a rebel army to hide in. On the square were all kinds of obstackle coarses and fireing ranges where Rick and Edward drilled the troops day and night. Our large standing army of nearly a thousand men had made barracks out of the abandoned apartment buildings. The clinic was the center for strategical planning and officer quarters.

After everyone welcomed me back, I went into the clinic to discuss important issues with the generals Joe, Aaron, and Tu. We sat around the long rectangular table and go down to buisiness.

"Before we begin," I said. "Let me check under the table to make sure there are no spies."

After kicking OJ out from under the table, I continued. "So, whats our chance of defeating the Church Police in an open battle."

"I'd say, hmm," said Joe while scratching his head. "About 67% percent towards the Church Police winning and about 35% percent towards us."

"That adds up to 102%," said Aaron.

"102% out of 200%, is what I mean," said Joe.

"Then what does the other 98% stand for?" asked Suketu.

"Thats the chance we have of running away from battle like cowards," said Joe.

"Alright," I said. "This is going way over my head. I'll leave you gentlemen to discuss this yourselves. I'm going for a walk in the park."

I walked out of the clinic and mossied my way down the street. I tried the best I could to conceal my face from suspicious looking people by pulling my hood way down. Once I got to the local park, I went to the swing set and slid down the slide repeatedly. When I was about to slide down for the tenth time, I looked up and saw Edward sitting on a bench a little ways off in the distance. With him was some girl, or possibly a man that looked like a girl. I decided to move in closer to peep on them.

Creeping up to a bush, I peered cautiously over it. I was now only about ten yards away from them. Edward and the girl were necking and making out. They then decided to go a little farther. But just when clothes were starting to come off, two Church Police approached them.

"Halt!" said one of them as the two pointed laser blasters at Edward and the girl. "You are commiting a public display of affection. We must see your marriage liscence or you will each be fined $500."

"We're not married," said Edward. "And I'm not gonna pay that fine. You can kiss my ass!"

Edward quickly drew his laser blaster hand gun out of it's hoalster and blasted one of the Church Police as The girl took off running and screaming. But before Ed could get another shot, the other Church Policeman kicked the gun out of Edward's hand and struck Edward across the head with the butt of his laser blaster.

I grabbed a heavy stick off the ground and leapt up from my hiding place. The Church Policeman aimed his laser blaster at me but I struck him hard across the back of his neck before he could shoot. He suddenly seemed to lose power and fell to the ground limp.

"I'll kill that bastard!" said Edward as he pointed his gun at the lifeless Church Policeman. "I was so close to scoreing until these two hunks of junk came along."

"Wait a minute," I said. "Lets take this one back to the clinic so we can disect it. That might help us learn how to fight them."

Edward and I carried the Church Policeman over to Edward's car and we drove back to the clinic. We took the robot inside and placed it on a clinic table which had once been used for abortions. All the comrades were there to see the disection.

"Very interesting," said Aaron as he and Alden inspected the Church Policeman. "I've designed robots similar to this one before. I guess the first thing to do would be to open up the chest plate," said Aaron as he stuck a screw driver into the Church Policeman.

Suddenly the robot came alive and started qouating the Beatitueds. "Blessed are the Greek," said the Church Policeman. "Blessed is he who converts his neighbors ox, for he shall inhibit his girth."

"Thats so annoying!" said Rick.

"Can't you make him stop?" said Stephen.

"Does anybody want to go outside with me?" said Joe as Edward, Stephen, and I followed him out the door.

The four of us sat on the front steps of the clinic, reminicsing our high school days. "I'm telling you DR," said Joe. "I can still beat you in a race."

"Joe, go look at your self in the mirror," I replied. "You've become fat and flabby. I would smoke you in a race."

Joe stood up angrily. "May Bajahi strike me down if I couldn't beat you in a race!"

Just then a bright laser blast came from seemingly out of nowhere and struck Joe in the head. He collapsed and rolled down the steps.

"Where the hell did that come from?!" asked a bewildered Stephen.

Suddenly another laser blast flew at us and hit Edward in the genital area.

"Argh, my groin!" screamed Edward as he fell down clutching his crotch. "I've been nuetered. Somebody kill me."

I looked up and saw that across the street there were several Church Police shooting at us from behind a chain link fence. "Take cover!" I shouted as Stephen and I dodged another laser blast. I took Edward's laser hand gun from him and opened fire on the Church Police. I managed to shoot four out of five of them with out being hit myself. But the fifth one tried to escape.

"He's getting away!" said I.

"Leave it to me," said Stephen as he pulled a flare gun out from his utility belt. The escapeing Church Policeman was almost to his car when the flare hit him and blew him apart.

We carried Edward and Joe back inside to be examined by Aaron. After a quick inspection, it was determined that Edward's genitals had been blown right off. On the bright side though, his recovery looked hopefull.

"Joe is dead," said Aaron grimly after feeling Joe's pulse.

"How did those Church Police find us?" asked Suketu.

"Was it those spies OJ and Joey Wayhall?" said Stephen.

"No," I said. "They were having so much fun with Brian, I doubt they would have turned against us."

"I have a hypothesis," said Alden. "I think that the Church Policeman we were disecting must have had some kind of homeing device on him."

"The time to hesitate is through," I said. "Its time we made open war on the Church Police. Rick, Edward, oh I'm sorry Ed. Rick, organ- ize the troops. Jon, get our trucks ready. Alden, did you find out what chemicals work best against Church Police?"

"Aye sir," said Alden. "They'll be in for quite a surprise!"

"Alright," I continued. "To the basilica!"

Rick quickly rallied up all the rebel troops and we piled into our trucks. Hence we embarked on the last battle between good and those that are too good.

Soon we reached the basilica. Across the street from it was an open expanse of park. It was here that we built a barricade in between us and the basilica. We made the barricade out of benches, trash cans, an lawn mower parts. It was about a 100 yards long and five feet high. The whole lot of our army(close to a 1,000 men)croached behind the barricade with our laser blasters set to kill. The only thing left to do now was await the Church Police.

"I hear them coming!" said Suketu.

From around both sides of the basilica marched thousands of Church Police in perfect formation. They divided themselves into two gargantuan masses and headed towards our right and left sides.

"There going to flank us from both sides!" screamed a rebel solider.

"Did you say 'there going spank us on both cheeks'?" asked Aaron.

"No," replied the solider. "I said there going to...argh!" he screamed out as he was struck down by a laser blast.

The Church Police had opened fire on us from either side. The barricade did us no good. The whole rebel army was about to cowardly flee(the late Joe's prominent guess), when Alden arrived with Jon on the tractor.

"Comrades!" shouted Alden. "Have no fear, Alden is here." He and Jon lifted a large missile off the tractor. Alden pressed a button on the missile then simply tossed it on the ground. A thick purpleish gas sprayed out of the missile and covered the whole battlefield like a London fog. No man could see more than two feet in front of him.

"Wow," said Stephen. "That stuff smells pretty good." After about ten minutes the gas lifted and floated away. We were all shocked to see that the whole Church Police army was just standing around placidly.

"Whats happened to them?" I asked.

"Watch this!" said Alden as he and Jon unloaded a stero and two large speakers from the tractor. Jon put a blue grass tape into and the stero and pressed play.

"Dance your partner round and round," went the song. The Church Police suddenly hooked elbows and square danced with eachother!

"What are you infernal robots doing!" said a priest officer in rage. But before he could say more, a Church Policeman hooked the priest's elbow and swept him into the dance.

Jon put another tape in the stero and the Macarana came on. The Church Police stopped their square dancing and started crossing arms over their chests and behind their heads.

"I can't stand to watch this!" shouted Rick.

"I love this song!" said Aaron.

Jon changed tapes once again and the Mortal Combat theme song came on. The Church Police danced so furiously that sparks and smoke came out of them. Some of them seemed to have system overloads and Church Police heads and arms began to pop off. By the time the song ended, the whole battlefield was covered with Church Police body parts.

"Victory is ours!" I shouted triumphantly. But just as were enjoying the moment, a barrage of laser blasts hailed down on us.

On the steps of the basilica was a formation of about 50 Special Church Police. Behind them stood lord Powell, Cardinal Hickey and Ms. Kane.

"Run away!" I screamed.

Suddenly a rocket streaked over us and landed on the steps, destroying the majority of the Special Church Police. We reeled around in shock to see Shaun and a large band of Arab terrorists had arrived. Shaun ran up to me and kissed me on both cheecks.

"Sorry it took us so long to get here DR," said Shaun. "But you know, Pakistan is pretty far away."

"Thats okay Shaun," I said. "Everyone, CHARGE!!!"

The few remaining Special Church Police put up an honorable fight but we over took them in a matter of seconds. I looked up and saw lord Powell and her two cronies fleeing into the basilica as I mauled a Special Church Policeman.

"Hey Rick, come with me," I said as I ran inside the basilica followed by Rick.

"There they go!" shouted Rick. Lord Powell, Kane, and the cardinal had just snuck into the bell tower door over on the left wall of the basilica. I darted towards the bell tower with Rick close behind me. I was about to enter the door when suddenly a huge, hideous monk appeared inside the doorway, blocking our path.

"Get out of the way Quazimoto," I said as I pointed my laser blaster at the monk.

"You must get past me first," said the monk in crass voice as he produced a large wooden club from his robe. "Take this!" said the monk as he whacked the laser blaster out of my hands.

"I've got him!" said Rick as he lunged at the monk and put him in the Dragon Sleeper. I entered the bell tower door and ascended the first flight of stairs. Awaiting me at top was Cardinal Hickey, holding his crossier sheperd staff.

"You will not get past me," said the cardinal.

"Step aside old man," I said defiantly.

The cardinal turned his staff upside down and flipped a switch on it. A foot long, razor sharp popped out of the of the staff like a switch blade.

"Die!" screamed the cardinal as he charged forward pointing his spear at me. I quickly dodged aside and the spear blade went right into an electric socket on the wall. The staff was made of copper so the electric current conducted right through it and into the cardinal.

"Sorry about that old chap," I said as I left Cardinal Hickey to continue being electricuted.

I ran up the next flight of stairs but then tripped and fell down on the last step. Just as I hit the floor, a gust of fire blew over me, scorching my hair.

"Where the hell did that come from?!" I asked aloud.

"Hell indeed," said the stoic Ms. Kane as she stepped forward holding an old flame thrower. "You could say Mr. Raley, that I am giving you a preview of how you shall spend eternity: in the pits of everlasting hell!"

Ms. Kane stood in the center of the room, trying to spray me with the flame thrower as I ran around her in circles. After about five laps, I leapt over some flames onto the next flight of steps and bounded up them. Ms. Kane then realized that she had foolishly surrounded herself with a ring of fire.

"Nooo!!!" moaned Ms. Kane as she was engulfed by the pyro.

For the next three flights of stairs I sprinted. During the next two, I jogged. After that, I walked while leaning heavily on the railing. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I reached the end of the last flight of stairs. Up against the wall was a ladder that led to an open hatch on the ceiling. I scaled up the ladder and squeezed through the hatch.

I found myself in a open bell loft. Hanging from the ceiling were three huge bells. Bordering the bells were two rows of couloms that held up the roof. The loft had no walls, only a surrounding railing about four feet high.

"Lord Powell," I called. "I know you are up here. The longer you hide only makes it worse for you. Your whole Church Police army is destroyed. Your reign of terror is over."

"I'm right here David," came the voice of lord Powell from behind me. I spun around to see her step out from behind one of the coulums. "My army may be defeated, but you will never defeat the awesome power of Muhammed...I mean Jesus," said Powell as she took a large church Bible out from her folds of clothes.

"Don't try to quote the scriptures to me," I mocked.

"Thats not what I intend to do," said lord Powell as she lunged forward and whacked my head with the bible.

"That hurt!" I said painfully as I reached a hand out to hold her down. Powell took a religious paper phamphlet out of her pocket and slashed the palm of my hand. It left a deep paper cut that bled profusedly. She then squirted a bottle of holy water into my eyes which temporarily blinded me. I fell to the floor in pain.

"And now, it is time for some proper chastisement," said lord Powell as she pulled a rosary out of her pocket. It was about three feet long and the beads were of thick iron. Powell held it by the cross and swung the rosary down across my back like a whip. Each lash stung like hell.

"This is for that horrible type IV." CRACK! "This is for those 'every sperm is sacred posters.'" CRACK! "This is for those Onion articles you put on my desk." CRACK! "Heres three for your rebellion." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

I was now lying in a puddle of my own blood. "Please lord Powell," I said meekly. "Have mercy on this ass of a person."

"You dare you'se profanity in front of me?!" asked lord Powell even angrier than before. "I will whip your buttox for such speach."

Lord Powell was about to bring the rosary whip across my butt when a large hand suddenly grabbed her wrist. It was Brian!

"Nobody tuches DR's butt but me, ohhh myyyy," said Brian as he hoisted lord Powell over his head.

"Brian, no!" said lord Powell. "Remember all those quire practices we had together? Put me down right now!"

"Okay," said Brian as he flung lord Powell over the bell loft railing.

____"N

______O

_______o

________o!!!" screamed lord Powell as she plumeted to the ground.

I lifted myself up onto the railing to see what became of her. She had splattered on the basilica steps some 200 feet below.

"Well, I guess thats the end of that," I said to Brian. "Say, how did you get up here?"

"Well you see," said Brian. "I've been living in this bell tower for the last few days because I was going to defile this whole basilica. Anyways, I was sleeping peacefully when that bitch lord Powell woke me up, and you know what happened next, ohhh myyyy."

As Brian was speaking, smoke started pouring in through the floor. "Oh no!" I said. "I forgot all about that fire. It should be spreading it's way up here very soon. We're trapped!"

"Then we'll burn together baby, ohhh myyyy," said Brian.

"Never!" I shouted as I jumped over the bell loft railing and plunged into oblivion.

*T*H*E***E*N*D*