The Attack of the 400 Foot Brian

It started out as a normal school day. I sat in my first period religion class, zoneing out as Mrs. Powell continuously BSd.

"We must ignore scientific fact," began Mrs. Powell. "For it is blasphemy to believe that the Earth revolves around the Sun and that the world is round. All we need is to conform in God's saving love and rejoice in Bajahi...I mean Jesus."

"You can't possibly expect us to belive such bull," said Alden.

"Yo man, Gawd is good," said an obnoxious punk behind me.

The discussion heated up as I wished more and more I was somewhere else. I gazed over at a glass of holy water resting on a table. Suddenly a loud thud came from outside in the direction of Breton Bay that made the water in the glass ripple. No one else seemed to take notice. Then came another thud, then another. After the fourth thud the glass fell over on it's side and rolled off the table, spilling the water. Two quick thuds louder than before came from somewhere very close and shook the building itself. Every one stopped what they were doing and looked around with faces pale.

"Its an earthquake!" someone shouted.

"Its judgement day!" exclaimed Mrs. Powell.

"We're being bombed!" screamed Alden.

"Its something worse," I muttered to myself.

From outside a booming voice louder than any heavy metal concert rang out, "ohhh myyyy!" Two huge eyes with glasses peered in through the windows. Each eye was about six feet high and 9 feet wide. It was a 400 foot Brian! Two gigantic hands then ripped the roof right off of Rupert. One huge hand reached into the class room and picked Mrs. Powell up like she was an insect. Brian held her up to his eye level and said, "eeewwww, a woman," as he tossed Mrs. Powell over his shoulder. She must have landed somewhere in Leonardtown.

Every one in the class tried franticly to flee Rupert. But with a few kicks and stomps Brian levelled the whole building. Luckily, I had seen the attack coming so I had time to escape out the window and through the woods. After Brian left Rupert a heap of rubble he tore apart the trailers looking for a big man.

Once I reached Paschal through the woods, I ran inside to find Aaron and O.J. standing in the hallway.

"Whats the matter DR, is Brian chasing you?" jested Aaron.

"Yes!" I replied. "Brian is 400 feet tall now and he just destroyed Rupert. Dozens are dead! He should be coming this way soon."

"Lions, tigers, and Brians, ohhh myyyy," said O.J.

"You little bastard!" shouted Aaron in rage. "That was my line!" Aaron knocked O.J. down and savagely beat him as I looked out the back door of Paschal. Brian stood above the tree tops while he continued his path of destruction on to Xavier and the cafeteria.

Having no other choice, I rushed down the hall screaming, "Brian is coming! Brian is coming!" But before I reached the end of the hall, some punk freshmen stuck his leg out to trip me. I stumbled and plunged head first into a locker. Every thing went black.

When I came too some time later, the hall was completely silent and deserted. It seemed as if everyone had left the building in a hurry. Or maybe I had dreamed the whole thing up. But just when I thought it was safe, a huge foot the size of a train car came in through the roof on the other end of the hall. I quickly ran outside to see Brian stomping on Paschal. He was so large that the highest roof of Paschal only came half way up his lower leg. Brian continuosly moaned oh my as he demolished the building.

I climbed up a tree and waited there, petrified with fear. Suddenly, I heard the sound of dozens of automatic weapons and explosives. The National Guard had arrived and they weren't holding anything back. Brian screamed out in pain as thousands of bullets struck him every few seconds. He fell down clutching his stomach after a rocket launcher made a direct hit.

"Move in!" shouted one of the officers. But as the troops approached Brian, he leapt up to his feet, took off his blue jacket, and turned it inside out. It was the neon yellow one! Brian's jacket was so bright that all the troops fell down blinded.

"I love army guys, ohhh myyyy," said Brian. With the soldiers still blinded, Brian rushed forth and gored all of them by stomping. Brian looked up into the sky, let out a loud cackle, and moaned, "ohhh myyyy!"

I then noticed a plane flying over. It was the Enola Gay! Brian watched it quizzically as an A-Bomb dropped out of it.

That's what I've been looking for!" said Brian. He closed his eyes and opened his gigantic mouth wide as the bomb fell closer and closer.

THE END