The Church Police IV: Interrogation

"Argh...my back," I groaned in pain. I had just fallen from the roof of the White House and landed hard on my back. I was rolling around on the grass in agony when two red Special Church Police approached me.

"Halt!" commanded one of them in a robotic voice as the two poked me with their cross staffs.

The Special Church Police lifted me off the ground and carried me inside the White House. Lord Powell had decorated every hall way and every room with countless sacramentals. The Special Church Police marched down a flight of steps and into the Executive Detention Center. We walked into a priest's office and the Special Church Police presented me before him.

"What do we have here?" asked the priest from his desk.

"This is a loafer we found trying to sneak onto the roof," replied one of the Special Church Police. "There was another, fatter loafer but he escaped."

"What do you mean 'trying to sneak onto the roof'?" asked the priest in an annoyed voice.

"They were climbing a..." began the Special Church Police.

"Wait a minute!" interrupted the priest. "Thats not just any loafer, he is the leader of the rebel army."

"How can you tell?" asked one of the Special Church Police.

"I can tell be his lean, sexy physique. I want to get inside him...whoops, did I say that out loud?" said the priest as the two Special Church Police gave each other nervous glances. "Anyways, what do you have to say for yourself young man?"

"Yeah, I'm the rebel leader," I said half consiously as I rubbed my aching back.

"Well then," said the priest. "I better notify lord Powell about this immediately. You two put this rebel in a containment stall until we decide what to do with him."

The Special Church Police transported me out of the office and walked me down some prison hall way. Once we reached an empty cell, they shoved me into it and locked the door.

I waited in that cell for nearly two weeks. It wasn't really a bad cell, it had a soft bench, a toilet right next to the bench, and I got fed two great meals a day of bread and water. The only bad thing was that an intercome on the ceiling was constantly playing a tape of some southern Baptists reverend giving biblical sermons. At night I would lay face down on the bench while squeazing my pillow over my ears.

Finally after two weeks, as I sat depressed on the bench, the door to the cell suddenly flung open. Standing in the door way was the Detention Center priest and a couple regular Church Police.

"Get up rebel," said the priest. "Its been decided that you shall go to a trial in the Nation Shrine of the Immaculate Reception Basilica before lord Powell and her counsel of bishops. I would hate to be in your shoes this day."

"Yeah, you with your fancy loafers and me with my beat up old Nikes," I said sarcastically.

I was then removed from the White House dungeon and transported to the White House garage. Once there, I was shoved into a Church Police car to be stapped down to it's back seat.

"Stay calm and remain seated," said the Church Police driver as we pulled out of the garage. I glared at him angrily in the rear view mirror as I figgeted under the bondage straps. But the driver didn't care, he was only a robot.

As we sped down Pennsilvania Avenue, we were joined by a large Church Police automobile escort. The cars all had their sirens on and Church Police motorcycles led the parade.

"Wow, I must be really important," I said to myself, trying not to think of the trial that lay ahead.

Soon we reached the basilica. It was a massive dome with a bell tower to the side that spiralled up into the sky. In front of the dome were several wide terraces of steps. Once all the cars were parked out in front, about 100 Church Police assembled up and down on either side of the basilica steps, leaving an open aisle for me.

Next, four Church Police all armed with high powered laser blasters removed me from the car. They marched me up the basilica steps and in through the front door. As soon as I entered, the whole mass of Church Police followed me inside. But as I was walking through the door, out of the corner of my eye me saw a presidential limo pull up to the curb.

Once inside the basilica, I was made to wait with many Church Police guards up against the wall to the left of the altar. The rest of the CP(and many there were)stood like sentinels along the walls on either side of the vast basillica. An old haggardly nun in full habit walked behind the altar and took her seat at a humongous cathedral organ.

The door to the basillica flung open and about 40 red Special Church Police entered in double file. Once the first two of the line reached the end of the aisle, the whole squad turned and faced each other. There were twenty on either side. Next, each one lifted his cross staff so that it joined the staff of the SCP in front of him. This formed a continuous arc down the aisle.

A dozen bishops, all with tall pointy hats walked up the aisle under the staff formation. The whole group walked up to the altar and sat down in a row of chairs. In between them were three empty chairs, the middle one being the highest.

Next the Vice President Ms. Kane and the Speaker of the House Cardinal Hickey walked up to the altar. When Ms. Kane passed me she gave me a hateful glare that you could light a match off of. The two took their seats on either side of the large middle. I gulped at the thought of who that chair must be reserved for.

The old nun at the organ made the sign of the cross with her rosary and then played away madly. She vigorously played the Imperial theme song from the Empire Strikes Back on the huge organ. The front door to basilica flung open once again and standing there proudly was the dreaded lord Powell herself! She wore what looked like a nuns habit except on her head was a tall golden crown. In her right hand she carried a gold scepter and in her left she held a silver sphere.

"All hail lord Powell!" shouted every one but me in unison.

Powell walked up the aisle and took her seat a the large middle chair. The Special Church Police broke their formation and formed a wall out of themselves in front of the bishops and lord Powell.

"Bring the prisoner forward, if you will," commanded lord Powell after the organ song ended.

The Church Police guards dragged me over and chained me to the floor in front of the Special Church Police wall and the council of bishops. I felt like the butterflies in my stomach had butterlies in their stomachs.

Cardinal Hickey stood up to announce the trial. "May all quiver before the awsome presense of lord Powell," said the cardinal. "May the first session of the trials to weed out all rebels begin."

Lord Powell then spoke. "David, David, David," said Powell sorrowfully. "It makes me very sad to think that you were once so holy so pious, so monklike. Yet now you have become a vile rebel. Don't you realize that this pathetic insurgent of yours does not stand a chance against my Church Police army? The massive display of the Church Police's might which you see in this basilica is only a mere fraction of our army.

"What do you have to say for yourself young man?"

"Well uh, gee, I uh, don't know what to say lord Plow...I mean Powell," I stuttered nervously.

Vice President Kane stood up angrily. "Speak respectfully before lord Powell you heathen bastard!" cried out Ms. Kane in rage.

"Sit down Ms. Kane," said Powell. "Now look David, I think I understand your reason for this rebellion. You are angry at God, aren't you?"

"Who me?" I replied. "No, I'm not angry. I worship Bajahi, the god of toilets."

"Blashphemy!" screamed Ms. Kane.

"Look," I said with a little more confidence than before. "I think its disgusting what you've done to this country. You force everyone to go to a Catholic church on Sundays when most of them aren't Catholic. You made birth control illegal, which is making overpopulation even worse. You are trying to control peoples lives from your ethical point of view."

"How could you say such a thing?!" replied lord Powell. "This country was in a Christ-like utopia until you started your revolution. Are you trying to be a reactionary? Make things all sinful, dirty, lustful, sexual, astroligical, Ouija Boards, Tarrot Cards, and condoms like it was before I was in charge."

"Yes," I said.

"Thats it!" said Powell. "Guards, strike the rebels mouth." One of the Church Police standing over me then slapped my face.

"Alrigh Mr. Raley," said Powell. "I have reached my decision. You have two choices: spend life in prison; or report to reconciliation and get off on ten years. What do you bishops say?"

"Aye!" replied the bishops in unison.

"I guess I'll take confession," I said somewhat relived.

"Good choice," said Powell. "The priest giving confessions to day is Monsignior Pio. He is renowed for his ability to see into the rectums of altar boys...I mean the hearts of confessies. Say, where is Father Pio? He should be here by now."

"Perhaps he is already in the confessional your highness," said Cardinal Hickey.

"Very well then," said Powell. "Take him away!"

A squad of Church Police then escorted me over to the confessional, which was a ways to the right of the altar. Powell and the bishops remained in there chairs, discussing the latest gossip about Pope George Ringo II.

There was a thich wooden door leading to the confessional. I opened it timidly and stepped inside, shutting the door behind me. I was in a small dark room. In its center was a small dividing curtain with a chair sitting in front of it.

"Come in me son," came a voice from behind the curtain. It had a sort of Irish-Scottish accent to it.

"Well, its been a long time since I've been to confession," I said as I sat down in the chair. "Lets see. One time when I was about 14 I did something really bad, I.."

"Don't tell me your sins DR," said the man behind the curtain as he flung it aside. It was Alden! "In fact, if I were you, I would keep sinnig."

"Alden!" I said in shock. "How did you find me?"

"Well, its actually quite simple," said Alden. "Stephen came rushing back to our camp after your spy mission ended in disaster. We were concocting a plan to liberate you, but the chance came sooner than expected."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well," continued Alden. "Today I was driving to Fred's Liquor to pick up some boose for little OJ's 30th birtday party. But just as I was walking out of the store I saw this huge procession of Church Police cars. Jon, who was driving, and I then hoped into his pick up truck and chased after all the excitement.

"Jon dropped me off a block away and I snuck into the basilica to find out you were under trial. When lord Powell, and god, she is scary from a distance, said that you had to go to confession, I quickly snuck into here and awaited you."

"Ingenious!" I complemented. "But what about Father Pio?"

"Who?" asked Alden.

Just then an old, stern looking priest barged into the confessional. "I only take one at a time," he said. "Which one of you is the rebel lead...ouf!" cried out the priest as Alden socked him hard across the jaw.

"Come on DR, put this on," said Alden as he handed me a gas mask and put one over his own mouth.

"Good thing I brought some chemical weapon grenades with me," said Alden in a muffled voice through his gas mask. He then took a couple strange looking grenades out of his pockets.

"What are those?" I asked.

"Stink bombs!" said Alden. "Though my hypothesis is that they should temporarily damage the internal circuits of the Church Police robots. This is the plan: I'll kick the door open, throw the grenades, and we'll run like hell! Jon should be waiting outside with his truck."

Alden kicked the door open, dove out and threw two stink grenades in the direction of my captors. Each grenade let out a large cloud of a greenish gas that permeated througout the vast basilica. Lord Powell and the bishops kelled over coughing and vomiting as the Church Police staggered about drunkinly.

Us comrades were almost to the door when a group of Special Church Police opened laser fire on us. The gas had no affect on them, for they were made of tougher stuff.

"No! Cough cough," said lord Powell. "Do not kill, use stun rays to hinder them."

"Yes lord Powell," said one of the SPC. "Now switching staff to stun."

Meanwhile, Alden and I were about to reach the door. "I've gotta catch my breath for a minute," said Alden as he ripped the gas mask off his face."

"Come on, we'll be outside in a second," I pleaded.

"Just a minute," said Alden. "Let me catch my...argh!" screamed Alden as a stun ray struck him. He staggered for a moment and then fell to the ground in spasms.

TO BE CONTINUED