In the beginning there was the Worm, and nothing else. This being, so huge that its mass consumed nearly half the Bowl of the world-toilet, had for millions of eons lied submerged in the watery depths, wrapped about itself in a coil, completely motionless. The Worm, a simple minded organism, believed its slumber would continue unchecked for all time -- which was exactly what it wanted. It did not realize that for thousands of years its own body had been in the process of asexual reproduction.
Unexpectedly, to the shock of the Worm, at the point in time that marks the advent of creation, a second, smaller worm crawled out from the elder’s body. The newcomer was Bajahi the Supreme, from whom all future events were to transpire. The Worm, annoyed by this disturbance, unraveled its ancient frame and slithered towards Bajahi, wanting to devour its own prodigy. But the Worm was slow, and Bajahi had ample time to sprout arms, legs, teeth, eyes, ears, horns, and wings. Just as the gargantuan beast was upon him, Bajahi spread his ailerons and flew up and out of the water, escaping the mouth that would return him to the unspeakable gut whence he came.
Bajahi soared through the nothingness, flying ever upward until he alighted upon the Lid of the world-toilet. He was yet to find any solace, for the Worm, enraged to a frenzy, reared its head up from the Bowl and howled its disdain, screaming "eaaaeweah!" Bajahi raced to the Iron Handle of the toilet and with a strength that only he, a deity spawned from the Worm could muster, yanked the lever. Instantly the Worm, along with much of the water, was sucked down the Drain that led to the Sewer abyss. The thing was so huge, though, that its body became wedged in the pipe and torn to shreds under the pressure. Therefore, after the whirlpool subsided, chunks of the Worm’s segments floated back up to the surface, forming islands large and small.
The Worm did not die; its brain and one of its hearts survived the Great Flush, and in the Sewer the thing regenerated itsel. From then on the Worm rested with its head lodged halfway up the Drain(as far as it could fit), mouth gaping open, awaiting the hopeful flush that would send Bajahi, the object of its hatred and hunger, straight down its throat.
* * *
From his heavenly throne atop the Lid, Bajahi the Supreme, who wished to relax forever like the Worm, looked upon the land masses below with little interest. Still, he did not want it to go to a complete waste, as his predecessor would have, so he ripped out his anus and tonsils. From these he crafted two demigods, the Neon Yellow Creature and Lord Powell. The Creature in turn extricated Henry the Pedophile Care Bear from his urethra and Powell gave birth to Adrii the Narc. Bajahi gave them incredible powers and assigned them the task of shaping the Worm’s chunks into a beautiful, habitable world, and to fill it with all kinds of animals and vegetation. Bajahi’s final command before dismissing the four demigods was that they never, under any circumstances, return to the Lid. This came to be known as the Ban of the Lid.
From the very start, Powell and the Creature were in constant disagreement. While the former wanted nothing but perfect, geometrically shaped mountains and basins, the latter pressed for long, thick and bulging rock formations and deep crevices. If Lord Powell created simple barnyard animals, the Neon Yellow Creature propagated exotic monkeys. And when the time came to manufacture humans, war broke loose.
It was Lord Powell’s vision that Homo Sapiens be entirely obedient to her puritanical, thoroughly orthodox doctrines, incapable of free will. The Neon Yellow Creature, ever the liberal adversary, wished for the exact opposite: a world of anarchical freedom and unbridled sexual indulgences. To aid her cause, Powell, with the help of Adrii, raised an army of deadly robots called the Church Police. To counteract such an advantage, the Creature had Henry call forth a Druidic cult that worshipped the Worm and screamed "eaaaeweah!"
The conflict that followed, called the War of Opposing Viewpoints, was bitter, bloody, and explosive, lasting nearly five millennia. The Church Police would march across the land in droves, showering the Druids with laser fire and being crushed into scrap metal by the enemies sonic death shrieks in response. Most of what the demigods had slaved to create in the beginning was burned, cracked, sunken or simply disintegrated. Throughout all this time, Bajahi the Supreme did nothing to help either side.
Eventually, the Church Police dwindled in numbers and the tide of the war tipped in favor of the Neon Yellow Creature. Lord Powell fled into the sky with the Creature in pursuit and there, atop the seat of the toilet-world, hunter cornered prey and a fight to the death ensued. Fearing for the life of her mother, Adrii became desperate and decided to disobey the most fundamental command in history: she would break the Ban of the Lid and invoke the intercession of Bajahi. Latching on to the wall that towered over the Bowl, she began the ascent to the upwards.
Henry the Pedophile was a sneaky fellow, and he spied out Adrii and guessed her intentions before she was even halfway up the wall. Using his bear claws to propel himself upwards at twice the speed Adrii could, he quickly overtook her. Bajahi would help his cause, not hers, he believed. Henry reached the Lid, pulled his body over, and no sooner did he utter a word than was he smitten by the fist of a wrathful Bajahi. The Care Bear streaked through the void and plummeted all the way back down to the bottom of the Bowl where he was impaled on a jagged mountain peak.
Presently Adrii attained the Lid and threw herself at the feet of Bajahi with genuine humility. The Supreme One, still incensed by the first intrusion, was about to tear her head off when he noticed just how repentant Adrii was for breaking the Ban of the Lid, and decided to hear her out. After listening to her account of the War of Opposing View Points with a compassionate ear, Bajahi offered to help her if she could give him one reason why he should intercede on behalf of Lord Powell’s side over the Neon Yellow Creature’s. In the spirit of being a narc, Adrii reported that the Creature employed the use of Druids who worshipped the Worm.
No explanation is needed as to why this news brought out the darkest anger imaginable in Bajahi. With the speed of thought, he took wing and descended to the Iron Handle, giving it a mighty yank. As the war-torn world below began to swirl under apocalyptic tidal waves, the Supreme One flew down to the toilet seat where the duel yet persisted. Bajahi grabbed the Neon Yellow Creature, who was indeed shocked, broke his neck, and tossed him into the Bowl just as all of creation collapsed upon itself and emptied into the Drain. The Worm, aroused from sleep by this second flushing, mistook the Creature for Bajahi and swallowed him with great relish, damning the demigod to spend eternity being digested in its belly.
The Worm did not, however, choose to eat its own flesh, so the monster spit back up the scraps that had comprised the continents. The land masses were once again unrefined and devoid of life; an entire age of the world had been erased. Meanwhile, Bajahi retired to the Lid for a second time, leaving Lord Powell and Adrii to start everything over.
No one, not even Bajahi, had been aware that Henry had survived his fall and escaped the Second Flush, and when Powell came around to inventing humans the way she saw fit, the Pedophile slipped in a bit of his mischievous influence. Thus mankind of all ages was given a susceptibility towards corruption. Lord Powell, weary of another War of Opposing Viewpoints, withdrew to the Lid so that she may sit at Bajahi’s right hand. Adrii the Narc remained in the Bowl, now referred to commonly as earth, destined to spend an indefinite number of centuries tracking down Henry. Even today she can yet be found sitting dutifully in the front seat of a bus or classroom, ready to combat insubordination of any kind.
THE END
